I planned my funeral the other day.
I don't want a ceremony or anything fancy. I want a grave site funeral. 15 mins tops! I want my friends and family of course. Beyond that, I don't really want anyone else there. If I am able to be put in a casket, that's what I want. I want my friends, Zack and Dad to put me in the grave, all the way down. Then the pastor to say a few words about how to live life. Then throw some pretty flowers on the grave and have everyone put at least one shovel of dirt on me. I want Flogging Molly's song: If I ever leave this world alive played while they are putting me in the ground. And at the end I want Amazing Grace played on bag pipes. I don't want a "reception" party thing. I want everyone to go on home and go back to what they were doing. They've laid me to rest, it's time to move on. If I am not able to be put in a casket, I want them to cremate me and once that's done, have friends and family over for an hour or so to my parents house to gather and talk. Then that's it. Jess and Jon are to go to Scotland sometime when they can afford it, (I'll try and start making a flight fund for them), and spread my ashes over there. I want to be laid to rest over there because they have the best rolling hills and it's cold and I will probably never make it over there so at least this way, I'll be going with my best friends and staying there while they enjoy some time off from work and schedules.
I don't really know why I wrote this, or why I even thought of it but I watched PS I Love You the other day and it got me thinking. With Dad almost dying, we don't have anything planned out. And if it's going to be my funeral, well, then I want it to go as how I see fit. Jon and Jess thought I was crazy for even thinking about it but it's the last chapter of my life and I want it to end on a good note.
About Me
5.5.10
How Do You Know if you're doing the right Thing?
Do you ever have a feeling in your heart/gut/mind that right at that very moment you need to do something?
Sometimes it can be something as simple as turning right instead of left. You don't know why you made that decision when you always go left but that day, something told you to turn right and later you found out there was a wreck and you would have been right in the middle of it.
Or
You decide to get up and make breakfast for the first time in forever. Later on when you've had to work through your lunch hour unexpectedly, you are thankful that you had a strange feeling to get up early.
Or
You know you should keep something to yourself because you know in the end it will hurt someone but deep down you know the "right thing to do" is tell.
Or
You get a feeling to give someone a compliment out of nowhere. Come to find out later, they had actually been thinking something bad and your comment really affect how the rest of their day turned out.
But sometimes, you don't get a feeling. Sometimes you get a lack of feeling. Some things happened tonight and the past couple of nights in which I have felt like a tattle tail. I know that, in a way, I'm doing the right thing. But I still have a tinge of guilt.
I don't think you should ever talk bad about a person. There has been one person in my whole life in which I now use the word hate and asshole for. I've talked with several friends about it and my philosophy on the matter. We have all come to agreement that I have every right to use those two words in conjunction with a certain person. Beyond that, no. I am a rational and logical thinker. If a person does wrong to another human, then there is cause for retaliation. But only if one wronged the other. If both wronged each other, then both need to admit fault.
So my original question is: how do you know if you're doing the right thing?
Doing the right thing is standing up for your beliefs. It does not mean that you let things slide here and there. Doing the right thing builds character.
Doing the right thing could cost you.
Sometimes it can be something as simple as turning right instead of left. You don't know why you made that decision when you always go left but that day, something told you to turn right and later you found out there was a wreck and you would have been right in the middle of it.
Or
You decide to get up and make breakfast for the first time in forever. Later on when you've had to work through your lunch hour unexpectedly, you are thankful that you had a strange feeling to get up early.
Or
You know you should keep something to yourself because you know in the end it will hurt someone but deep down you know the "right thing to do" is tell.
Or
You get a feeling to give someone a compliment out of nowhere. Come to find out later, they had actually been thinking something bad and your comment really affect how the rest of their day turned out.
But sometimes, you don't get a feeling. Sometimes you get a lack of feeling. Some things happened tonight and the past couple of nights in which I have felt like a tattle tail. I know that, in a way, I'm doing the right thing. But I still have a tinge of guilt.
I don't think you should ever talk bad about a person. There has been one person in my whole life in which I now use the word hate and asshole for. I've talked with several friends about it and my philosophy on the matter. We have all come to agreement that I have every right to use those two words in conjunction with a certain person. Beyond that, no. I am a rational and logical thinker. If a person does wrong to another human, then there is cause for retaliation. But only if one wronged the other. If both wronged each other, then both need to admit fault.
So my original question is: how do you know if you're doing the right thing?
Doing the right thing is standing up for your beliefs. It does not mean that you let things slide here and there. Doing the right thing builds character.
Doing the right thing could cost you.
3.5.10
Best Day of My Life
That's right. It finally happened. The Sun is finally shining on me.
After having been crapped on for the past few days, I finally had an amazing day.
(this is written in much excitement and not so much with professionalism. thus the "OMG"s.)
We had a grazing potluck at work so I made my mom's famous spicy crackers. The sun was shining and felt wonderful on my face. We were slow so Agnieszka and I went out to Wholesale and found a sweet BMW and Tacoma. Oh and a Dodge Ram 3500 manual. Then we got into a S2000 and when I locked it up, I set off the Viper alarm. On the way back we saw a Shelby Cobra and checked it out. Then I went out on the front lot and played with a 09 Corvette. That machine is a beast. It shook the whole time I was sitting in it. It kept calling to me to take it out and drive til I couldn't see a human for miles around. Then I played with the 10 Camero in the showroom. Oh and I got to play with a GTO. I would totally buy one that was an automatic too. When you shift it from P to D, the back end sets down. It is the coolest feeling. After that, I just had a few customers that were really nice and everything seemed to be going so well.
Then I text a friend, Ben, and we went on a motorcycle ride after I got off work. He has a really cool bike and we had been talking about going out to do something but never followed through with it. So yesterday I wanted to end the day on a good note so I asked him if we could go out. He came over and picked me up. And we went cruisin. It was amazing. He took me around Riverside Park. OMG! They have the most gorgeous homes. Then we grabbed some coffee and the storm started to move in so we flew back to his place at the Garvey Center. Sat and talked at his place for a while then he took me on a tour. When we got to the elevators and the door finally opened, this guy and girl were in there and she had puked all over. We took the stairs. I got to see everything. It is an amazing place to live. One of his walls is all glass and I couldn't help but stand there for 10 minutes just watching. When the storm calmed down, we went out on the 6th floor deck and walked around. Then he took me up to the Penthouse Lounge. OMG. I about died. He asked what I was thinking and I told him I would never leave this room. Ever. It was the most amazing room I had ever been in. And he has access to it 24/7. I am so jealous. We sat up there for a few more hours and talked.
He kept asking if he needed to take me home and I felt bad because I didn't want to leave. Sitting in that room made me remember why I wanted to fly. Seeing the lights of the city in rows and knowing that by now I would be halfway to my license was something I hadn't planed on dealing with last night. I didn't want to leave. But he was getting tired. I really did feel bad. But I couldn't help but be selfish.
I really needed that. I didn't realize how much it meant to me. I couldn't thank him enough. I don't know if he'll ever understand what he did for me last night. I've never had a friend go out of his way to make sure that I was having a good time. Everything we did last night was for me. I know this sounds crazy because I do have some really great friends that do drop everything to take care of me or make sure that I am happy but this was different. Ben doesn't even know me. He dated my best friend and roommate. I'm suppose to hate him for doing what he did to her. But in all honesty, he broke up with her because of his beliefs that she didn't see important. He stayed true to himself and I admire that. I wanted to hear his side of the story. He deserved that much. He was concerned about my health the whole time. He would ask how I was feeling. I was floored by how genuine he was being. He honestly, truly was worried. I don't understand.
I can tell he still likes my best friend. I wish they had worked out. He really is a good guy. But she will never see him how he deserves to be seen. She doesn't deserved him. And I'm not sure if she will ever realize just how great of a guy he is and what she passed on. She's young, she has a lot of learning to do. I hope that this coming year I will be able to show her. She is the type of girl to go back to ex-boyfriends. In a way I think she knows what she gave up on in Ben, because I don't think she will ever go back to him. Not because she hates him, like she says she does, but because she's scared that he really was the one and she likes being young and wild right now. I think there is more than meets the eye when it comes to her reasoning.
Anyways, to finally end this blog, I love my best friend. She has been such a blessing to me and my life these past few months. I couldn't have gone through most of these crazy happenings without her. As for Ben, I want to be friends. I hope it works so that we can be friends without the tension from a previous broken relationship lingering around. We'll see I guess.
(Being in that Penthouse lounge also made me realize that in the long run, I really was made to live in a big city. Or at least keep pursuing my pilot's license.)
After having been crapped on for the past few days, I finally had an amazing day.
(this is written in much excitement and not so much with professionalism. thus the "OMG"s.)
We had a grazing potluck at work so I made my mom's famous spicy crackers. The sun was shining and felt wonderful on my face. We were slow so Agnieszka and I went out to Wholesale and found a sweet BMW and Tacoma. Oh and a Dodge Ram 3500 manual. Then we got into a S2000 and when I locked it up, I set off the Viper alarm. On the way back we saw a Shelby Cobra and checked it out. Then I went out on the front lot and played with a 09 Corvette. That machine is a beast. It shook the whole time I was sitting in it. It kept calling to me to take it out and drive til I couldn't see a human for miles around. Then I played with the 10 Camero in the showroom. Oh and I got to play with a GTO. I would totally buy one that was an automatic too. When you shift it from P to D, the back end sets down. It is the coolest feeling. After that, I just had a few customers that were really nice and everything seemed to be going so well.
Then I text a friend, Ben, and we went on a motorcycle ride after I got off work. He has a really cool bike and we had been talking about going out to do something but never followed through with it. So yesterday I wanted to end the day on a good note so I asked him if we could go out. He came over and picked me up. And we went cruisin. It was amazing. He took me around Riverside Park. OMG! They have the most gorgeous homes. Then we grabbed some coffee and the storm started to move in so we flew back to his place at the Garvey Center. Sat and talked at his place for a while then he took me on a tour. When we got to the elevators and the door finally opened, this guy and girl were in there and she had puked all over. We took the stairs. I got to see everything. It is an amazing place to live. One of his walls is all glass and I couldn't help but stand there for 10 minutes just watching. When the storm calmed down, we went out on the 6th floor deck and walked around. Then he took me up to the Penthouse Lounge. OMG. I about died. He asked what I was thinking and I told him I would never leave this room. Ever. It was the most amazing room I had ever been in. And he has access to it 24/7. I am so jealous. We sat up there for a few more hours and talked.
He kept asking if he needed to take me home and I felt bad because I didn't want to leave. Sitting in that room made me remember why I wanted to fly. Seeing the lights of the city in rows and knowing that by now I would be halfway to my license was something I hadn't planed on dealing with last night. I didn't want to leave. But he was getting tired. I really did feel bad. But I couldn't help but be selfish.
I really needed that. I didn't realize how much it meant to me. I couldn't thank him enough. I don't know if he'll ever understand what he did for me last night. I've never had a friend go out of his way to make sure that I was having a good time. Everything we did last night was for me. I know this sounds crazy because I do have some really great friends that do drop everything to take care of me or make sure that I am happy but this was different. Ben doesn't even know me. He dated my best friend and roommate. I'm suppose to hate him for doing what he did to her. But in all honesty, he broke up with her because of his beliefs that she didn't see important. He stayed true to himself and I admire that. I wanted to hear his side of the story. He deserved that much. He was concerned about my health the whole time. He would ask how I was feeling. I was floored by how genuine he was being. He honestly, truly was worried. I don't understand.
I can tell he still likes my best friend. I wish they had worked out. He really is a good guy. But she will never see him how he deserves to be seen. She doesn't deserved him. And I'm not sure if she will ever realize just how great of a guy he is and what she passed on. She's young, she has a lot of learning to do. I hope that this coming year I will be able to show her. She is the type of girl to go back to ex-boyfriends. In a way I think she knows what she gave up on in Ben, because I don't think she will ever go back to him. Not because she hates him, like she says she does, but because she's scared that he really was the one and she likes being young and wild right now. I think there is more than meets the eye when it comes to her reasoning.
Anyways, to finally end this blog, I love my best friend. She has been such a blessing to me and my life these past few months. I couldn't have gone through most of these crazy happenings without her. As for Ben, I want to be friends. I hope it works so that we can be friends without the tension from a previous broken relationship lingering around. We'll see I guess.
(Being in that Penthouse lounge also made me realize that in the long run, I really was made to live in a big city. Or at least keep pursuing my pilot's license.)
1.5.10
Because I've had the conversation alot lately
How nice would it be to never be put down or have to pull someone up?
If everyone just got along, then there wouldn't be so much drama in people's lives. It gets exhausting sometimes.
Growing up, I was always the mediator. Friends would come to me to gripe about other friends. They always said I was a great listener. And I was. But after a while, you can only listen to so much before you need to be listened to. I recently checked myself into therapy for that very reason. Better to talk to a professional about your problems than your friends who more than likely, don't give two shits. I recently have been trying to talk more than I listen. It didn't help that my ex wouldn't give me two seconds of the day so I constantly felt like I was fighting just to get a word in.
Maybe in a way, that's why I created this site.
The world can be my silent listener. I can say whatever to it and know that I don't have to have a response in order to feel better.
But here it goes:
Caleb will never know how much I truly do hate him. He blindsided me with stuff that no girl should ever have to go through. And he doesn't even have the decency to apologize once he realized just how bad he hurt me. He went around boosting to his "friends" that he is the nicest guy you will ever meet, that he's not an asshole, etc. And for everything I find out about him, it just drives that nail in a quarter inch deeper.
There will never be any guy that is worthy of any woman. I just want to put that out there and get it over and done with. I've talked to too many women who have always been burnt on every relationship. And I've talked to too many guys who say girls are just as bad as guys. This very well may be true. I've seen first hand how some of my "friends" treat their boys. And to say the least it's down right shameful. I've only been dumped once. That's sayin somethin. And in all honesty, I should have seen it coming. All the other boys have fallen short. I haven't even had one guy in my life, friend or more, that has ever treated me perfectly the whole way through a relationship. Well, maybe expect for Jon, but on most accounts, he's more like a brother than anything.
I've become very suspicious of guys motives lately. It stems from Caleb. Every door that I thought was safe to walk through now seems like a potential death trap. My guard is up, much higher than it ever was. And I don't see it coming down even an eighth of an inch any time in the next decade.
There are times a friend will do something in which you know their intentions are good and pure but they don't see just how bad it hurts you. They don't see how much it affects my life.
I'm tired of "friends" ragging on themselves. People don't give themselves as much credit as they deserve. In all honesty, I think we dwell so much on one aspect of our lives that we think is important when in reality, if we were to ask around, people would tell us something totally different. What is it that you dwell on? What is it others say about you? We all have conversations with our friends in which if we thought about it hard enough, we would see at least one topic that was in the majority of conversations.
My goal this week is to reevaluate my life. I want to know what I think is the major drama factor in my life and then listen to conversations with friends to see if I have drawn the right issue. Sort of a self evaluation in a round about way. I challenge you to do the same.
I actually did a small version of this at work today with my manager and I realized how much I put myself in to the mix with customers. I had always seen it as connecting with the customer and trying to normalize the situation when in reality, people will just talk if you let them. You don't have to find a connection, let the customer open up. If the customer is already talking, then what's the need to try and find connections, just listen. For them it's free counseling. And in the end you will probably have said two or three words, yet they will feel like you are their new best friend. So that's what I'm going to do from now on. Only talk when it's necessary. People naturally talk to me; so I need to let them.
After this exercise, I sat there thinking about how I could apply this to my own life. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. When you train to be a lifeguard, they don't train you the medial day to day things, they teach you the important, body reacts before you even realize it techniques. It's the same way with CarMax. Just because I have all of these tools in my belt, it doesn't mean that I have to use each and everyone with every customer. There will be some that I will have to but I need to learn to save my energy for those types of customers and friends.
So hear you me now: I pledge to be a better friend, co-worker, and employee by listening more. And not just listening but actually hearing what you have to say.
I am no greater than any other man. Yet I am important.
If everyone just got along, then there wouldn't be so much drama in people's lives. It gets exhausting sometimes.
Growing up, I was always the mediator. Friends would come to me to gripe about other friends. They always said I was a great listener. And I was. But after a while, you can only listen to so much before you need to be listened to. I recently checked myself into therapy for that very reason. Better to talk to a professional about your problems than your friends who more than likely, don't give two shits. I recently have been trying to talk more than I listen. It didn't help that my ex wouldn't give me two seconds of the day so I constantly felt like I was fighting just to get a word in.
Maybe in a way, that's why I created this site.
The world can be my silent listener. I can say whatever to it and know that I don't have to have a response in order to feel better.
But here it goes:
Caleb will never know how much I truly do hate him. He blindsided me with stuff that no girl should ever have to go through. And he doesn't even have the decency to apologize once he realized just how bad he hurt me. He went around boosting to his "friends" that he is the nicest guy you will ever meet, that he's not an asshole, etc. And for everything I find out about him, it just drives that nail in a quarter inch deeper.
There will never be any guy that is worthy of any woman. I just want to put that out there and get it over and done with. I've talked to too many women who have always been burnt on every relationship. And I've talked to too many guys who say girls are just as bad as guys. This very well may be true. I've seen first hand how some of my "friends" treat their boys. And to say the least it's down right shameful. I've only been dumped once. That's sayin somethin. And in all honesty, I should have seen it coming. All the other boys have fallen short. I haven't even had one guy in my life, friend or more, that has ever treated me perfectly the whole way through a relationship. Well, maybe expect for Jon, but on most accounts, he's more like a brother than anything.
I've become very suspicious of guys motives lately. It stems from Caleb. Every door that I thought was safe to walk through now seems like a potential death trap. My guard is up, much higher than it ever was. And I don't see it coming down even an eighth of an inch any time in the next decade.
There are times a friend will do something in which you know their intentions are good and pure but they don't see just how bad it hurts you. They don't see how much it affects my life.
I'm tired of "friends" ragging on themselves. People don't give themselves as much credit as they deserve. In all honesty, I think we dwell so much on one aspect of our lives that we think is important when in reality, if we were to ask around, people would tell us something totally different. What is it that you dwell on? What is it others say about you? We all have conversations with our friends in which if we thought about it hard enough, we would see at least one topic that was in the majority of conversations.
My goal this week is to reevaluate my life. I want to know what I think is the major drama factor in my life and then listen to conversations with friends to see if I have drawn the right issue. Sort of a self evaluation in a round about way. I challenge you to do the same.
I actually did a small version of this at work today with my manager and I realized how much I put myself in to the mix with customers. I had always seen it as connecting with the customer and trying to normalize the situation when in reality, people will just talk if you let them. You don't have to find a connection, let the customer open up. If the customer is already talking, then what's the need to try and find connections, just listen. For them it's free counseling. And in the end you will probably have said two or three words, yet they will feel like you are their new best friend. So that's what I'm going to do from now on. Only talk when it's necessary. People naturally talk to me; so I need to let them.
After this exercise, I sat there thinking about how I could apply this to my own life. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. When you train to be a lifeguard, they don't train you the medial day to day things, they teach you the important, body reacts before you even realize it techniques. It's the same way with CarMax. Just because I have all of these tools in my belt, it doesn't mean that I have to use each and everyone with every customer. There will be some that I will have to but I need to learn to save my energy for those types of customers and friends.
So hear you me now: I pledge to be a better friend, co-worker, and employee by listening more. And not just listening but actually hearing what you have to say.
I am no greater than any other man. Yet I am important.
28.3.10
Lunch with the grandparents at the biker bar
I made a realization today. Since graduating from college, I have yet to make any goals. Typically I have financial, educational, and emotional goals that I set at the beginning of each semester and I have yet to do that this semester.
There are many things I want to accomplish in life, but if I don't give them some dead-lines, then it will never get done.
1) Live in Belize
2) Own a peach orchard
3) Become debt free
4) Take a trip back to Guatemala
5) Move to another city in the states: Boston, Atlanta, or New York
With as nice as it is to share a life with someone else, I always give up on my hopes and dreams and adapt to that persons wishes and wants. For once I'm going to selfish and do what I want to do. I give, give, give. Not any more. If a guy wants to be in my life, he will have to fight tooth and nail for me to consider him worthy of my time. And if I end up all alone in the end, then at least I will know that I've done everything I've ever wanted to do. And in all honesty, there are two people in my life right now that I want to still be friends with when I'm 90.
I stand upon my desk to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way. Dead Poets Society
There are many things I want to accomplish in life, but if I don't give them some dead-lines, then it will never get done.
1) Live in Belize
2) Own a peach orchard
3) Become debt free
4) Take a trip back to Guatemala
5) Move to another city in the states: Boston, Atlanta, or New York
With as nice as it is to share a life with someone else, I always give up on my hopes and dreams and adapt to that persons wishes and wants. For once I'm going to selfish and do what I want to do. I give, give, give. Not any more. If a guy wants to be in my life, he will have to fight tooth and nail for me to consider him worthy of my time. And if I end up all alone in the end, then at least I will know that I've done everything I've ever wanted to do. And in all honesty, there are two people in my life right now that I want to still be friends with when I'm 90.
I stand upon my desk to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way. Dead Poets Society
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